Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

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Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Jos » Thu May 28, 2015 14:16

Thinking for quite sometime whether to post it or not but I need some advise.

Been dating for nine months now and got minor glitz with him.
In the beginning he complaint that i'm over schedule with my own things like Chinese school, out with friends on weekend (not always).
Then I realized I need to adjust my schedule to be able to meet him, then I drop my Chinese evening school as I'm also tied up with my work no time
to do my school paper works and aside from that I need to be with my teenage son do some cooking if time permits.
Eventually drop some dates with girlfriends on weekends so that I could go and see him.

Basically my world goes around with work, my kid and him.

He said that he will retire this year and doesn't want to teach anymore and he want to retire in my country this year before Christmas 2015.

To summarize: I was quite sad on this part because why he chose to have a GF here in Taiwan then retire this year and leave me behind.

Being understanding person I set aside my sadness and just understand him as he had this plan before he met me.

1. As you can see from the above I underline that he complaint about my schedule and now I have given up mine.
And now his the one doesn't have time for me and choose friends.

Did complaint and he ignore my message.

2. I wanted to introduce him to my friends and relative but he decline
so I told him can you introduce me to your friends? he said he don't have much good friends.

3. Now his playing Passive Aggressive behavior and he already did this to me last year.

My apology on my subject as I call it relationshit instead of relationship.

Most of friends are not happy on my situation and they advise me not to see him again.
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Icon » Thu May 28, 2015 14:59

Image

Image

Image
"Lo urgente no deja tiempo para lo importante". Mafalda
None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby maoman » Thu May 28, 2015 15:06

I think you know, you're not going to change him. So the only question you have to ask yourself is are you better off with him as he is, or are you better off without him.
Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Jos » Thu May 28, 2015 16:09

thank you Icon and maoman.
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Just Jennifer » Thu May 28, 2015 16:21

I did the same things for my current husband who dumped me two years ago but with whom I will stay "married" until it becomes inconvenient.

My advice to you is take your friends' advice. You deserve better. WE deserve better.
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Jos » Thu May 28, 2015 16:48

Thank you Jen,

So many thoughts running in my mind and wondering why I'm here again in the same black hole.

After my long term relationship (18yrs) ended because of his infidelity, I thought will find a better man.

I know could overcome this sadness.

Thank you once again to you and to everyone.
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Dan Shui » Thu May 28, 2015 18:40

Sorry to hear you're having a bad time Jos. I would spend some time Googling 'passive aggressive people' and manipulative people. There are entire sites detailing the characters and quirks of lots of different manipulative personality types. Everyone plays games from time to time, but some people make a career out of it.

I dealt with a Covert Narcissist earlier this year in a work relationship. I Googled some of his traits and was amazed that there were multiple sites detailing the EXACT playbook that he was working from. I spend 6 hours reading up on his behaviour. After a quick crash course I was able to predict and preempt his next move. It was interesting but kind of strange too. Someone who had never met him, on the other side of the world, had mapped him perfectly.

It can help to do some reading, it gives you perspective and a breathing space.

Creative people can go in any direction at any time. Manipulators have a limited set of cards at their disposal. A major tactic is acting nice occasionally, to keep someone hanging on for the 'good old days'. I would get out of there. Manipulators will robotically exploit the "I'll give him one last chance" syndrome until you cut them right off.

Good Luck.

http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-on-Manipulative-Behavior
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201406/how-spot-and-stop-manipulators
http://www.manipulative-people.com/
http://www.way-of-the-mind.com/manipulative-people.html

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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Tomas » Thu May 28, 2015 21:03

Just Jennifer wrote:I did the same things for my current husband who dumped me two years ago but with whom I will stay "married" until it becomes inconvenient.

My advice to you is take your friends' advice. You deserve better. WE deserve better.


You serious?

Idiot.

You DO deserve to be appreciated. I'll resist the urge to try to set you up, mainly because I don't know anyone who is single AND good enough for you. Unfortunately, most men over 40 who are available are available for a very good reason.

You're absolutely one of the good ones, Jennifer. Best of luck.

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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Jos » Fri May 29, 2015 13:11

I don't want him to label "the bad one", he was really good person.

Perhaps his been acting PA to protect not to hurt my feelings but he didn't realize it.
Lots of people has this PA behavior probably when they were young adult they experience some bad things in life and
instead of showing anger or not happy on things they cover/hide their feelings.

Then they will instead not to say a word and keep quiet.

His been single for all his life and could say he was scared in *commitment* well in fact didn't asked much about his past but I believe
there are so many reasons behind this.

He also deserve to be love (we all do deserve to be love by someone) which I'm willing to give but sometimes I'm only human and
no matter how much I tried to understand him I keep seeing red flags that sometimes wanted to wear eyeglasses.

For now, I just go on with myself, keep busy, go to the beach sun bathing, whatever go naked inside the sauna, shopping take a walk, learn/cook more new recipes.

Thank you everyone :bow:

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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Just Jennifer » Sat Jun 06, 2015 02:00

Jos,

Good idea to go on doing things you enjoy, taking care of You, nurturing friendships.

Tomas, thanks for the kind words. Sometimes the circumstances suck (finances, zero savings, neverending bills, etc) but I have never felt better, more loved, more blessed. Funny, huh?

Danshui, thanks for the links.
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby TainanCowboy » Sat Jun 06, 2015 17:29

Code: Select all
[b][u]Relationshit[/u][/b] problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner


Jos,
I sincerely doubt that you deserve any of the problems resultant from this relationship.
Best to You and all involved.
The facts expressed here belong to everybody. The opinions are mine.
I don’t post political comments or articles to convince those who disagree with me,
I post them so that those who might agree with such positions will know they are not alone.
Some things are opinions and can be argued - some things are facts and cannot.
Proverbs, Chapter 16 verse 9 <--- When in doubt, remember this.

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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Jos » Sat Jun 06, 2015 20:52

Thank you Sir for the comment.

From time to time I still do think about him and can't deny it.

I just buried again my head on work and think other stuff like there are more serious problem around the world and mine was just heartache.
Still can't focus on work no matter how many seconds I stare on my clients emails behind the web waiting for my quick response, which I usually work
fast and absorb like a sponge.

But having heartache is like someone died that take my piece of me, can't eat and sleep.

Did try to go back from the past and thinking what have I done wrong? perhaps I was wrong for asking for more quality time.
I did answer my own question, in relationship both side need to communicate and it is essential to express our feelings, needs in mature way.
Relationship is a commitment not a revolving door that whenever he wants to see me I need to be available and when
I wanted more bonding time on weekend his not available and he got so many different excuses and sudden changes of schedules.

But it was me who always to compromise and bending.

I feel I was a hidden agenda, unknown human being in his life.

How would a man will feel if I do the same thing ?

Did asked couple friends and they said of course they are not happy about it and he should be dump on spot.

Anyway will just go with my life and think positive.

Still can't believe to myself post my dilemma here.
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Kal El » Wed Jun 10, 2015 22:08

Jos wrote:Most of friends are not happy on my situation and they advise me not to see him again.

I agree with your friends.
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Sir Winston Churchill

Heathen filth, the lot of you.
Dr Kurt Langstrom

人不可貌相,海水不可斗量
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Jos » Thu Jun 11, 2015 20:53

Hi Kal El,

:bow: Yes and i'm alright and eventually will get over this.

For time being enjoying my time alone like a hermit, focus on work like I use to be.

Jos
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Re: Relationshit problem - How to handle Passive Aggressive Partner

Postby Dragonbones » Fri Jun 12, 2015 00:03

maoman wrote:I think you know, you're not going to change him. So the only question you have to ask yourself is are you better off with him as he is, or are you better off without him.


Yup. In a nutshell, this is the best advice you're likely to get. And only you can decide what the answer is. But I would add that those who are stuck with passive aggressive, or worse, emotionally or even physically abusive types are best off IMHO getting out of the relationship as early as humanly possible. Because you deserve better, even if 'better' means no relationship at all. My :twocents: .
“To cook for the pleasure of it, to devote a portion of our leisure to it, is to declare our independence from the corporations seeking to organize our every waking moment into yet another occasion for consumption." --Michael Pollan

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