Love Lost

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Tell us about it! We probably won't be able to help, but it might be good for a chuckle.

Moderator: jimipresley

Love Lost

Postby Kal El » Mon Aug 20, 2012 12:47

I just want to share this here, as I really need someone to talk to but there's no one at hand and my five year old won't get it.

I'm literally crying as I type this and so badly want to be back in the bosom of my gran who would hold me close, and tell me it will all be ok.

I think I've now finally lost the love of my life. I couldn't begin to describe the love and joy I have had with this woman. After the betrayal of my ex some two years ago I never thought I would even think of getting married again, much less meet someone who I would love so completely.

Last weekend she went to visit her family and I had the weekend alone. As per those weekends I had dinner with my Kiwi friends on Sunday and as I was feeling poorly I lay down with Josh after we got home. I had planned to go downstairs and Skype with her before bed, but I fell asleep and my cell died (Josh had been playing games on it all evening during dinner). When I woke up I saw M had sent me a load of messages and missed calls while I was sleeping between 11pm and 3am. As she couldn't reach me she lost it and had blocked me on Facebook, Whatsapp and Skype leaving a last message that she was breaking up with me.
Sometimes she gets very emotional during her monthly cycle, so I initially wrote it down to that and thought she would come around. I called her lunch time on Monday and although she answered it was clear she was unhappy and didn't really want to talk to me. She also verbally confirmed she was done.

However, on Tuesday she unblocked me on Whatsapp and Skype and we reopened communication. Our chats were going well, and by Wednesday and Thursday we were back discussing our plans about moving in together in October. But being a little proud and hurt (I guess) I kept prodding, "Are you my gf again?" and asking her about still being blocked on Facebook. As she was still evading the question (still a bit pissed at me, as I had promised her before I won't just go sleep without letting her know - I expect the same, because there's nothing worse than waiting for hours to chat to someone when they've gone to sleep and you're still up waiting...), I was playing difficult.
So I made plans to go out with a mate of mine on Friday, and I was planning on going out on Saturday to watch the opening tests of the inaugural Rugby Championship. When she called on Friday to ask if I was coming to Kaohsiung I told her my plans. She was pissed that I hadn't told her before and an argument ensued with me basically saying, "Well, you blocked me and broke up with me, you haven't reconfirmed that we're back together. You can't have it both ways, break up and still expect me to wait around for you on weekends!" In between the back and forth I also raised my voice, which I really shouldn't have done.
So I buggered off to join my mate and resolved not to text her first that weekend (Childish, I know!!) and let her squirm a bit. Friday and Saturday went by in a buzz, a good time was had and we didn't contact each other. Eventually on Sunday evening I texted her with: Enjoy your concert tonight. (She was going with a gf to a concert in KHH).
11 She texted back: Thanks.

So I left it.

This morning I Skyped her and asked nonchalantly how her weekend was. She replied: Why?
From there she basically said she was disappointed and unhappy that I hadn't contacted her all weekend. It had given her time to think. It was difficult for her, but she thinks we're unhappy, should break up and move on with our lives. We chatted for a few hours but she remained unmovable on the subject.
She says that whn she has doubts, she just remembers how I raised my voice on Friday and that it scares her. She can't handle that and wants to move on.

It is clear from our chat this morning that there is no getting her back at all. I have definitely lost her for good. It's still sinking in, but I am devastated. I am so sorry that I was so callous and childish. I wish I could have the last week back so I could do it over. I would never raise my voice at her, I would cherish and love her with all my worth. But now I am left with this gaping hole in my heart that can never be filled. She is irreplaceable, as she is the most interesting, responsible, kind, decent, loving and wonderful woman I have ever met in my life.
I am shattered and I don't know how I will recover.

I am left wondering what my problem is that I can make someone fall in love with me, but that I can never keep that love. I always seem to drive people who care for me away. I feel defective somehow, but all I can think about is that I would give anything to hold her in my arms, or spend one more night with her riding bicycles, eating ice-cream and walking hand in hand along the love river, return to her place, make love and fall asleep holding her in my arms and wake up to her kissing me awake.
She is also the only woman who I enjoyed holding hands with all the time, rubbing her skin with my thumb. She is the only one I enjoyed falling asleep holding (previous partners I would hold for a while, then turn over and go to sleep), basking in her warmth and her smell. I am a temperamental riser in the mornings, but with her kissing me awake, I would always start the day with a smile on my face and a happy heart.

I love her so much. I am devastated and I don't know what to do.
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Sir Winston Churchill

Heathen filth, the lot of you.
Dr Kurt Langstrom

人不可貌相,海水不可斗量
User avatar
Kal El
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 6681
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 23:17
Location: 台南, 台灣
Has given kudos: 1140 times
Has gotten kudos: 1092 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby divea » Mon Aug 20, 2012 12:58

I don't think it's over, over. She must be unhappy about sth. After you've been such an intense relationship, no one just breaks it off just like that. Ask a mutual friend to intervene or even, just don't give up hope. Hugs.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes- Wilde
User avatar
divea
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 4570
Joined: Sun Oct 28, 2007 10:47
Has given kudos: 1317 times
Has gotten kudos: 705 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby cfimages » Mon Aug 20, 2012 13:10

I'm with divea on this. I don't think that's the end.

You mention you'd been making plans to move in together - were they certain plans or more like "maybe we should do this"?

I'm wondering if she's breaking up with you because she's looking for a stronger commitment and doesn't feel she's getting it. She wants to feel the most important and a mixture of falling asleep and then making plans without her didn't give her that confidence. Find some way to reassure her that she's the most important.
User avatar
cfimages
Taiwanease Royalty
 
Posts: 3255
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2009 14:33
Location: Danshui
Has given kudos: 664 times
Has gotten kudos: 878 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby Kal El » Mon Aug 20, 2012 14:15

cfimages wrote:I'm with divea on this. I don't think that's the end.

You mention you'd been making plans to move in together - were they certain plans or more like "maybe we should do this"?

I'm wondering if she's breaking up with you because she's looking for a stronger commitment and doesn't feel she's getting it. She wants to feel the most important and a mixture of falling asleep and then making plans without her didn't give her that confidence. Find some way to reassure her that she's the most important.

Yeah, it was solid plans. She's getting promoted the end of September and will be responsible for a much wider area, so living in Tainan will also be more convenient. We've even started looking at apartments online.

I admit, I think she does feel insecure. She doesn't totally trust me, and it's my fault because when we started out our relationship a year ago I was duplicitous. But once we were an item I stopped any contact with anyone, but I failed to delete one person and she saw the chat from a year ago on my phone (she wasn't snooping. It was an accident. I asked her to check a message and she accidentally saw it.).

I'm also not the best money manager in the world, and that also makes her feel a little insecure, but I did tell her that once we move in together I'll let her manage our finances. I totally trust her with that.

So yeah, I have been an idiot.

divea wrote: Hugs.

Thanks, Divs. Much needed atm.
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Sir Winston Churchill

Heathen filth, the lot of you.
Dr Kurt Langstrom

人不可貌相,海水不可斗量
User avatar
Kal El
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 6681
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 23:17
Location: 台南, 台灣
Has given kudos: 1140 times
Has gotten kudos: 1092 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby Dragonbones » Mon Aug 20, 2012 14:24

Kal El, I'm sorry to hear you're having this trouble.

Kal El wrote:as I was feeling poorly I lay down with Josh after we got home. I had planned to go downstairs and Skype with her before bed, but I fell asleep and my cell died (Josh had been playing games on it all evening during dinner). When I woke up I saw M had sent me a load of messages and missed calls while I was sleeping between 11pm and 3am. As she couldn't reach me she lost it and had blocked me on Facebook, Whatsapp and Skype leaving a last message that she was breaking up with me.


Just being unable to reach someone for one evening is not a reasonable reason to break up with them. Cell phones die. People fall asleep. She'd rather break up with you than try a call on a land line? She'd rather break up with you than worry that you might have been hit by a car and be in hospital unconscious? To me this says that either there are deeper problems in the relationship, or that she's so emotional that there will be deep problems in the relationship in the long run.

As she was still evading the question... I was playing difficult.
So I made plans...


Big mistake IMO.


In between the back and forth I also raised my voice, which I really shouldn't have done.


Another big mistake.

resolved not to text her first that weekend (Childish, I know!!) and let her squirm a bit.


Anther mistake.

You shouldn't be playing these kinds of cards if you really want her back. :twocents:

Her insecurity and your past behavior mean that you have to be more reliable about contacting her, reassuring her, making time for her, etc., instead of playing these games, which will only make her insecurity worse.
“To cook for the pleasure of it, to devote a portion of our leisure to it, is to declare our independence from the corporations seeking to organize our every waking moment into yet another occasion for consumption." --Michael Pollan
Dragonbones
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 4991
Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 19:59
Location: Donghu, Neihu, Taibei
Has given kudos: 501 times
Has gotten kudos: 1017 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby Kal El » Mon Aug 20, 2012 14:26

You're right, DB. I was being very childish and stupid and made several mistakes in the process. Lesson learned.
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Sir Winston Churchill

Heathen filth, the lot of you.
Dr Kurt Langstrom

人不可貌相,海水不可斗量
User avatar
Kal El
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 6681
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 23:17
Location: 台南, 台灣
Has given kudos: 1140 times
Has gotten kudos: 1092 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby Dragonbones » Mon Aug 20, 2012 14:42

Best of luck, mate!
“To cook for the pleasure of it, to devote a portion of our leisure to it, is to declare our independence from the corporations seeking to organize our every waking moment into yet another occasion for consumption." --Michael Pollan
Dragonbones
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 4991
Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 19:59
Location: Donghu, Neihu, Taibei
Has given kudos: 501 times
Has gotten kudos: 1017 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby divea » Mon Aug 20, 2012 14:43

Kal El wrote:You're right, DB. I was being very childish and stupid and made several mistakes in the process. Lesson learned.

Oh c'mon, as if we're all on our best behaviour all the time in a relationship. We all act like jerks from time to time. So don't be too hard on yerself......relationships are not fun drinks on the beach, they're also about dealing with baggage. In your case, it's more than what she would get with a long nose fresh out of a boat. There's some maturity needed here, on her part. Even if she thinks she's unhappy, she needs to give you a chance to make things right, and at least end it nicely in person.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes- Wilde
User avatar
divea
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 4570
Joined: Sun Oct 28, 2007 10:47
Has given kudos: 1317 times
Has gotten kudos: 705 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby Dragonbones » Mon Aug 20, 2012 15:06

divea wrote:Even if she thinks she's unhappy, she needs to give you a chance to make things right, and at least end it nicely in person.


Sure; if she values the relationship, there are things she needs to do, too. But if Kal El focuses on what she needs to do rather than what he needs to do to save the relationship, he may play more of the wrong cards. That's why I only focused on one side, in my advice. I didn't mean to be hard on him.

These users gave kudos to the author Dragonbones for the post (total 2):
divea (Mon Aug 20, 2012 20:52) • ThreadKiller (Mon Aug 20, 2012 17:21)
Dragonbones
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 4991
Joined: Sun Nov 28, 2010 19:59
Location: Donghu, Neihu, Taibei
Has given kudos: 501 times
Has gotten kudos: 1017 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby ThreadKiller » Mon Aug 20, 2012 17:47

Kal El wrote:She is also the only woman who I enjoyed holding hands with all the time, rubbing her skin with my thumb. She is the only one I enjoyed falling asleep holding (previous partners I would hold for a while, then turn over and go to sleep), basking in her warmth and her smell. I am a temperamental riser in the mornings, but with her kissing me awake, I would always start the day with a smile on my face and a happy heart.I love her so much. I am devastated and I don't know what to do.


I feel your pain, Kal El. It’s completely heartbreaking. But remember two things: 1. there is usually a good chance of getting your lover back, even months after you have broken up (if you really have shared something good, you will both miss it and you retain the connection for a while. I broke windows, half of Mr. TK’s CDs (if you have seen his CD wall, you will know how extreme that was), and trashed a lot of furniture, and we were apart for months and we still got back together again and have ended up having a relatively happy, peaceful existence. Don’t focus on my breaking stuff (I was one of the least mature partners one could have), but remember that PEOPLE DO GET BACK TOGETHER, EVEN AFTER A WHILE. I think that the time apart is what probably helps people mature and be better partners. 2. My strongly believed :twocents:there is no such thing as the “love of one’s life”. This idea messes up too many relationships. She is one of a number of people you might be happy with. If she does give up on you, there are other women out there (some even more compatible) and you will be with others. I know you are not going to listen to this now. You are in pain and there is no point telling a depressed person to just cheer up. But love is not quite as simple as a Titanic might have us believe. If you find somebody who really seems special to you, you should try and make it work and keep trying to make it work, even when hiccups occur. That’s how people stay together for decades. People who fall in love and experience bliss AND who don’t realize they should have also based the relationship on the stability and reasonableness of a partner head to the divorce court at some point. Drama can be brushed aside, but you still need two reasonably relaxed people to maintain a relationship to the end of their time. Are you both relaxed enough?

Dragonbones wrote: Just being unable to reach someone for one evening is not a reasonable reason to break up with them. Cell phones die. People fall asleep. She'd rather break up with you than try a call on a land line? She'd rather break up with you than worry that you might have been hit by a car and be in hospital unconscious? To me this says that either there are deeper problems in the relationship, or that she's so emotional that there will be deep problems in the relationship in the long run.


Now, ain’t that the truth. I’ve been where your lady has been, Kal El – I have been psychotic and paranoid and can only be thankful I wasn’t doing Facebook when my man and I had problems because I am sure I might have not only un-friended him, but might have posted some nasty shit in a drunken bad mood. But that doesn’t make it kosher. You are not the only one who has misbehaved in this relationship. You do need to think about whether she is the right person for you and your son.

I read a badly-written but bizarrely wise self-help book when I broke up with my man. It taught me to not panic and to know that we could get back together again, and that we had a good chance. But it also taught me that I needed to man up and know what I wanted before we got back together. I had to know what my main rules for the relationship were and what behavior I would not accept; he had to do the same. Then dialogue could begin. I'm scared about you saying you would entrust your finances to her at this point - it seems too much like the model of foreign-guy-marries-a-Taiwanese-lady-heterosexual-marriage. Come home and give your paycheck to your wife.

You guys still have a good chance, you have both been silly (relationship-wise), and I wish you both the best on your journey to a healthy relationship. Anyway, Kal El, :heart:.

I really have no idea what is best for you guys, but the painful months apart for me and the love of my life (i.e. not the idiot who got me all hot when we first had sex, but rather the man I now know I can have a life with - both the same person) did us wonders.
"Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here." (Melvin Udall)

These users gave kudos to the author ThreadKiller for the post (total 2):
Kal El (Mon Aug 20, 2012 23:07) • Big Vern (Mon Aug 20, 2012 21:04)
User avatar
ThreadKiller
Taiwanease Royalty
 
Posts: 3093
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 02:37
Has given kudos: 1677 times
Has gotten kudos: 901 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby cranky laowai » Mon Aug 20, 2012 18:16

Kal El wrote:She says that when she has doubts, she just remembers how I raised my voice on Friday and that it scares her. She can't handle that and wants to move on.

Maybe try something like this:

"I'm sorry I raised my voice. I shouldn't have done that. I never want to scare you. I shouldn't have let my emotions get the better of me. But please let me explain -- not an an excuse, but as a way to help you understand, because this may be important to you.

"I know that sometimes you think I'm distant. But I only seem that way. The truth is that my feelings can overpower me. I'm not always good at handling it because this is still largely a new thing for me. My feelings for you are far stronger than they have been for anyone I've ever known. Sometimes I hide this, because of how I've been hurt in the past. But you are too important to me for me to remain silent. You should know that [WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT TO SAY].

"Although I would like to, I can't promise never to get angry or feel frustrated again. We're all human, and we all make mistakes sometimes. But I can promise to always do my best to make you feel safe and loved. Please let me show you..."

Etc., etc. (Just don't roll over on everything.)

Good luck.

These users gave kudos to the author cranky laowai for the post (total 2):
Big Vern (Mon Aug 20, 2012 21:15) • maoman (Mon Aug 20, 2012 18:52)
User avatar
cranky laowai
Taiwanease Aristocracy
 
Posts: 2080
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 13:15
Location: Banqiao, Xinbei, Taiwan
Has given kudos: 155 times
Has gotten kudos: 419 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby ThreadKiller » Mon Aug 20, 2012 21:33

cranky laowai wrote:Just don't roll over on everything)


:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Both people in a couple have issues. When you get around to sorting out your own shit, please don't forget that you still have your standards. However delightful someone is, don't be with them if they can't satisfy your needs.
"Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here." (Melvin Udall)
User avatar
ThreadKiller
Taiwanease Royalty
 
Posts: 3093
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 02:37
Has given kudos: 1677 times
Has gotten kudos: 901 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby Bunks » Mon Aug 20, 2012 23:38

I have made a decision to only read your first post and your subsequent one and I have not read anyone else's posts. Thus my post my repeat what others have said, perhaps, but it will be a post uninfluenced by others. You are getting pure bunks. :lol:

My advice is that you need to stop playing games, mate. It seems you made the rule whereby you need to contact each other before bedtime. It seems you transgressed your own rule. You've conditioned your partner to this behaviour and then abandoned it when it has suited you. She has responded in the time honoured Taiwanese tradition of baby out with bath water syndrome. She doesn't know any different, probably, so you can expect her to go to the rule of thumb best fitting the situation.

From there you didn't really act contrite, and seemingly exacerbated the situation. She was looking for ammo and you went out and bought her the whole shop.

I'm telling you this not to make you feel small, but to light a window on what she is probably feeling now. In this way you can figure out how to make the necessary reparations. From the way you talk lovingly about her I would suggest grovelling and a full explanation of why you were a doughnut. The heart wants what the heart wants, and if you want this girl you have to dig deep and figure out what you did (laziness followed by stubborness, in my opinion) so you can apologize properly.

It's tough love I am giving, but it's love. Stop with the games, be a bit more vulnerable (though I can understand why you have your barriers) and say sorry. She's not dumping you, she is standing her ground.

(Caveat Emptor: Take my advice with a pinch of salt)
Bunks
Taiwanease Aristocracy
 
Posts: 2064
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 16:55
Has given kudos: 183 times
Has gotten kudos: 305 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby Kal El » Tue Aug 21, 2012 01:09

Bunks wrote:She's not dumping you, she is standing her ground.

No, mate. She's been pretty firm on that!! Repeatedly.
However, I've been relentless, like the 101st at Bastogne. :lol:

I have taken all your advice, and I have groveled some, apologised even more, and groveled a little more for good measure. She still seems firm, but we ended our chat tonight with her saying, "Not now, but I need time", which is progress. It's only Monday, and she's currently going through her lady time, so she's probably not feeling 100% atm.

Also a fine mutual friend (of ours on the forums) gave me a superb talk tonight and some of the best advice I've ever gotten: Need nothing, desire everything, love what you get.
Which has been a revelation to me. I've taken it to heart and it is now my personal motto. I will pursue until there is no hope left, and I will be happy with whatever comes out of it.

Either way, I have learned some valuable lessons, and she's been a great friend through out our relationship (in fact, I see her as my best friend, and her take on exes is what probably vexes me the most, is that I will lose her friendship for the most part in reality, and that really kills me), having taught me a great deal about myself and some other things.

Threadkiller, I loved reading your two posts above. Brilliant stuff and it warmed my heart. Thanks for your time to respond. It is greatly appreciated. Cranky, Divs and DB, I liked your posts too, they were heartfelt and I appreciated them.

I will keep you updated as to how things work out. Either way, life will go on.
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Sir Winston Churchill

Heathen filth, the lot of you.
Dr Kurt Langstrom

人不可貌相,海水不可斗量
User avatar
Kal El
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 6681
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 23:17
Location: 台南, 台灣
Has given kudos: 1140 times
Has gotten kudos: 1092 times

Re: Love Lost

Postby Kal El » Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:10

Wow! Good weekend. She came over on Saturday, we spent the evening together (watched The Vow), had a great brunch, she spent the arvy with my boy while I was at work, picked them up for an awesome afternoon tea, had a good walk about, a nicer dinner and a nice evening followed by sending her off to the train station this morning. She's coming back on Friday.

I really thought it was a lost cause. Seems back on track again, but still worried that I may say or do something down the line for a repeat performance. Really don't want an up and down relationship. Want things to be more settled, as it were.
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Sir Winston Churchill

Heathen filth, the lot of you.
Dr Kurt Langstrom

人不可貌相,海水不可斗量

These users gave kudos to the author Kal El for the post (total 2):
Just Jennifer (Mon Aug 27, 2012 16:43) • maoman (Mon Aug 27, 2012 12:15)
User avatar
Kal El
Taiwanease Deity
 
Posts: 6681
Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2011 23:17
Location: 台南, 台灣
Has given kudos: 1140 times
Has gotten kudos: 1092 times

Next

Return to Dating & Relationships