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People With Stupid Names Now All to be Called Brad ~ TC Lin
TAIPEI | The central government issued a decree today saying that all people with ill-advised, stupid, or embarrassing names would henceforth be known as "Brad".
"We feel this edict is vital to preserving our national dignity, which is seriously harmed every time the international community hears or reads about a prominent Taiwanese national with a ludicrous name," Vice Premier Tsai Ing-wen told reporters at the press conference. "I used to wince whenever I saw Ovid Tseng's or Sisy Chen's name in the papers, knowing that the world was laughing at us."
"The line must be drawn somewhere," he added, pointing to a list of government officials, where the names "Brad Chen" and "Brad Tseng" were circled.
"If they don't like 'Brad', they can find a more suitable name themselves," Lin said. "Pick something. Get a baby names book. I don't care. I'm sick of hearing about people named 'Lycra'."
The new measure has caused no small amount of consternation on the part of stupidly named residents island-wide.
"How do they know what a stupid name is?" Brad Chou, formally named 'Door', asked. "And what kind of a name is 'Ing-wen', anyway? I think her name is stupid!"
"It's preposterous," Brad Zhang, who used to be known as 'Madonna', said. "Now I'm stuck with this lame name. Who thought of this plan, anyway? That book critic guy from the Taipei Times?"
Confusion ensued today at the Presidential Office when President Chen introduced Vice President Annette Lu with the words "...now let's give a big welcome to Brad."
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