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News from the Renegade Province

People With Stupid Names Now All to be Called Brad

TC Lin | November 17, 2006

The central government issued a decree today saying that all people with ill-advised, stupid, or embarrassing names would henceforth be known as "Brad". "We feel this edict is vital to preserving our national dignity, which is seriously harmed every time the international community hears or reads about a prominent Taiwanese national with a ludicrous name," Vice Premier Tsai Ing-wen told reporters at the press conference. "I used to wince whenever I saw Ovid Tseng's or Sisy Chen's name in the papers, knowing that the world was laughing at us." More

Area Man Made to Wait 45 Minutes for Beating by Gang of Friday's Workers

TC Lin | November 17, 2006

Lai Yuan-qing, 27, was forced to take an extra 45 minutes out of his busy schedule so that a gang of rogue waiters working for the international restaurant chain T.G.I. Friday's could finally get around to beating him within an inch of his life. "I could tell they were Friday's waiters, not just because of all of those buttons and crap that they have pinned to their red-and-white striped shirts, but because they just sat around and chatted for, like, half and hour before deciding it was time to beat me into a pulp," said Lai. More

Taipei Woman Achieves Pure Whiteness

TC Lin | November 3, 2006

23-year-old Chen Yi-zhen reached her life-long goal of pure whiteness on Friday, according not only to news sources but also the national meteorological service, which spotted Chen on its satellite scan of the island late last night. More

New Tongyong Pinyin System Introduced

TC Lin | November 3, 2006

Ywu Bwo-chyuan, inventor of Tongyong Pinyin, held a press conference this morning to announce the latest iteration of his system, which was recently chosen by a committee, headed by Ywu, to objectively pick a romanization system for Taiwan. Ywu "struggled with the decision", but finally his own system won him over, causing him to pick it over the international United Nations standard Hanyu Pinyin. More

China Declares Independence

TC Lin | October 20, 2006

Chinese president Hu Jintao stunned the world on Sunday with his announcement that “China hereby declares that it is an independent, sovereign state.” “We are our own nation,” Hu explained at a press conference held for the statement. “We are not just the ‘manufacturing yard of Taiwan’, the ‘uncivilized hinterlands of Hong Kong’ or the ‘backyard of Tibet’. We have our own culture and our laws, and we intend to take measures to defend our right to recognition in the international community.” More

Legislator Action Figures Announced

TC Lin | October 20, 2006

International toy seller Toys “R” Us announced a new line of action figures on Monday, all based on popular legislators from Taiwan’s parliament, which is world famous for its outlandish and sometimes amazingly death-defying antics. More

Every Single Town in Taiwan Simultaneously Proclaims Itself 'Seafood Capital of Taiwan'

TC Lin | October 6, 2006

Along with every other city on the island, this small mountain town made a formal announcement yesterday that from now on it will be known as 'The Seafood Capital of Taiwan'. Coastal cities as well as all of the larger cities on the island have been making the same claim since the late 1600's, but now other cities are anxious for the prestige that accompanies towns with such an illustrious title. More

DPP Chairman Crowd Surfs at Campaign Rally, Changes Name

TC Lin | October 6, 2006

“Let’s see if James Soong can do this!” the chairman was quoted as yelling before diving off the stage at the rally into a group of confused would-be voters who, fortunately, caught Yu before he hit the ground. The DPP chairman was then passed, hand-over-hand, through the crowd before being returned to the stage, looking a bit rumpled and missing his wallet, but apparently otherwise unscathed. More

Lovable Old Codgers Attempt to Re-take Chinese Mainland

TC Lin | September 21, 2006

After a series of hilarious mishaps and adventures, a group of retired soldiers from Taiwan attempted to retake mainland China on Wednesday. Although all five of the men are over 70 years old, they come from all branches of the military. Zhang Jing-you, the leader of the motley group, is a former army colonel, while the others come from navy, marine and air force backgrounds. More

City to Begin Charging Residents to Stare at Foreigners

TC Lin | September 1, 2006

TAIPEI Mayor Ma Ying-jeou on Saturday touted his latest revenue plan, wherein people would be taxed according to how many foreigners they stared at. "I was attending a rally one day last year, and these two foreigners just showed up," said Ma at a press conference. "All of the sudden, it was like I wasn't even there. They were just passing through, but for the rest of the night, all anyone could talk about was all the foreigners they ever knew. It occurred to me then that this kind of behavior was a limitless resource that could be put to use." More

Local Man Named After Salad Fork

TC Lin | September 1, 2006

Chen Gen-hui, 21, prefers that his friends and family call him “Stainless Japan” after discovering how “cool” the words appeared on the back of a fork he happened to be eating with at an expensive restaurant in Taipei’s suburb of Zhonghe. More